Seeking advice earlier this year on a delicate personal matter from a friend who works in the therapy industry she used a phrase that I'd heard of in passing before but to be honest had not given a great amount of thought to before then.
She described people as having lives that are "hardwired" meaning that, if I've understood her correctly, we are almost pre-programmed to follow a certain path in our lives and feel certain impulses despite our best efforts not to go down that route as we might well consider and know it to be irrational and foolhardy.
Definitely not in our best interests by a country mile.
We sort of can't help ourselves though in a way as it's gonna happen come what may.
I was grateful for her commentary on my situation and her moral support as a valued friend and it did sort of help me to achieve some kind of clarity and perspective on it even though I secretly wished that she'd given me say a more pragmatic five-point plan to follow to completely solve the angst I was feeling ... if that was ever going to be possible.
As things turned out and I'll not bore you with the details things went somewhat Pete Tong in all-too practical reality and the consequence of this for me on a personal level has been that pretty much ever since I've been turning over the situation in my mind over and over and wishing that I could turn back the clock.
I don't think it was necessarily that my approach to the problem was fundamentally flawed as my heart was in the right place but rather I'd overdid things due to my being too naturally enthusiastic as can be my wont (not always) and then as I'm a stickler for loose ends and simply hate being at odds with anyone wasn't able to cut my losses soon enough and realise that whatever I did however well-intentioned after that initial setback I was only actually making matters worse.
Digging an even deeper hole for myself.
It takes two at a bare minimum to play most ball sports well and when that doesn't happen you might as well pack up your kit and go home.
As mentioned before it's one thing to know this both at the time and with hindsight which as ever is a truly wonderful thing but other emotions are pulling you this way and that too and with some being stronger than others as well you can very easily slip up which is what happened with me.
A few months down the line and I've come to realise that it made a far bigger impact on me emotionally than I thought it would even if the fallout from such an initially strong feeling which then goes awry in inauspicious and ugly circumstances is inevitable no doubt.
As of today's date I'm still sifting through my feelings and trying my hardest to gain peace of mind on the issue.
I'm getting there and am a lot better off than even say a month ago but occasionally I lapse and feel ill at ease with myself over it.
I've been in two minds as to making it the content of a blog as whilst I'm not bashful when it comes to sharing how I'm feeling with others including complete strangers maybe I'm aware too that simply discussing it can stir and churn up some difficult thought processes in myself leaving me feeling quite tender and vulnerable for a while.
My mood though at the moment feels that without revealing names etc. it could work out to be a like a form of ongoing therapy for me.
It doesn't dominate my life thankfully (as much as it once did which is progressive) and I am reaching that point where I can look back on the whole episode and laugh at it to some extent but at the same time much of it does seem like so much unfinished business and in an ideal world where other people are limitlessly flexible, never take offence (perhaps through a misunderstanding) and have a lot of time for you with no work distractions etc. I'd give anything for a chat with this other person to put things right.
I am the eternal optimist I suppose or a hopeless dreamer ... hey I am Piscean after all which I'll go along with when it suits my purposes ie during a blog!
All in all as with much else I suppose I'm getting on with things and suppressing what I feel in my heart of hearts as utimately it's a futile exercise thinking that this fantasy of mine to have a reasonable chat about things can ever take place.
This is where the emotional intelligence title tag to this piece comes from as over the past few months and please forgive my preciousness perhaps I've had to bite my tongue on more than a few occasions and ride out the raw transient emotion of a particular moment and come through to a feeling of achievement that I was able to get through it without biting the head off some other person.
This in turn soothes my weary brow and gives me the strength to go on knowing that I can just move on in that moment.
It's an ongoing situation though as said which is where my question posed about my being dishonest really with myself comes from as I sometimes don't know if I can keep this up at times.
There can feel like there's so much festering away inside me that surely at some point it has to emerge and maybe not in the way that is going to work to my advantage.
There is a drastic solution which would involve me changing my life situation around quite a lot but it could well be that this'll have to happen as whilst my wife and my kids and my immediate and extended family are my main priorities I also have to take care of my own mental health to ensure all those things can get the quality attention that they need.
Anyway it's a work in progress and if you're interested I'll keep you posted.
Life eh?! Can be a bitch and then you die which is one phrase I learnt very early on ...
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