Before I kick off in earnest I beg any possible readers for forgiveness that despite trying really hard I'm very likely to dip into using cliches at times as it's that sort of subject.
In addition I will more than once state the bleeding obvious ... please don't throw anything ...
I'll be honest and admit to loving with a passion taking my little lad for a walk somewhere as apart from the physical health benefit to him and to a far lesser extent me, him getting the mental stimulation too from being outside in the open air and coming across many sights and sounds that he might previously have only seen vicariously on telly and us as a general thing spending some time together (the quality is not my main concern) it's a wonderfully easy and freely available opportunity for me to pad out an activity with him which won't involve (so much) spending a concentrated and energy-sapping period of time during which the following questions repeatedly and invariably pop into my head ...
1) What educational worth is he getting out of this?
2) Is this in some way (maybe very tenuous and obscure but valid all the same) teaching him the wrong values for his future life?
3) Am I encouraging lazy and bad habits in him from him doing this?
4) Is he plain old bored?
5) Is there any chance he could hurt himself badly doing this (which I'll never ever forgive myself for)?
6) Does he seem happy in himself?
I could go on and on and on listing my other numerous anxieties but you could have a Europe-sized mountain of washing up to do and might need to be catching a bus urgently and so I'll leave you to think up a few of your own if you're keen.
The point I'm making is that what to Matty is a very simple activity can be, depending on my mood at the time as well of course, riddled with self-imposed and probably totally irrational self-doubt for me as his dad wondering if I'm doing good by him.
Alternatively and I'll perk up soon I promise I'll ponder whether I'm spending enough time with him, whether he feels loved as we do stuff together and also be panicking that once this latest thing has run its inevitable course with a child who like any other other possesses an attention span shorter it can seem than your friendly neighbourhood goldfish whether I've got something else lined up to go straight into so that there's not a vacuum ... again when I think about it for long enough during a calmer time I realise how daft I'm being for fretting so much.
All in all and when all is said and done it's just so very, very tiring and before you know it you feel drained with much of it emanating from emotional exhaustion.
However much I know this I can't help myself and for me that's the definition of being a parent which if you'd not worked it out already is what I'm wittering on about.
People who know me well enough will know that regarding self-confidence I dip my toe in the water at the quieter end of the pool as whilst I'm not showy I'm not afraid of speaking my mind too and having an opinion on most subjects.
Mixed in with a very self-critical personality anyway I guess it's inevitable a post like this would happen.
Thus please don't take some of what I say to be dead gloomy as really my aim is just to be as candid as possible ... the bottomline is that I love my little lad to bits and likewise his sister who has joined us recently.
It is the biggest cliche of all and as an ongoing thing I learn this to be the most self-evident thing there is going that having kids is a huge nay mammoth responsibility ... the best analogy I can think of is that it's like being an on-call doctor but one whose shift lasts all week (this may happen in some areas already I dunno??!) and whose pager has developed an internal fault meaning that whatever you do to it (bringing in steamrollers and state of the art precision-guaranteed bazookas to turn it off) it'll beep every few minutes with it occasionally jamming leading to there being a precious gap of a few hours.
This same doctor is then needed to be on the ball even if their body is telling them that it feels like it's just climbed L'Alpe D'Huez on a Penny Farthing and unlike with the children of other people that you've maybe babysat or spent a few hours with and had the most fun in ages as they made you feel young again it dawns on you that you can't give them back to their parents as hey you are their parent.
Please don't get me wrong as I'm in no way complaining or wanting to feel sorry for myself ... far from it.
Rather it feeds into what will by my final line in this post which is pay a heartfelt public tribute to my mum and dad and other relations who chipped in down the years begging me to eat up all my pudding and the like and put my toys away as that taught me self-discipline and say thanks so very very much for being there as I know exactly now what you went through.
My most sincere apologies too for the grief I gave you about countless bits and bobs that seemed so important at the time.
I love you mum and dad and know my lad feels the same about me as he told me so on our walk today!!
That's really well put Graham and lovely too! Michaela
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